


own my mind (my body, my soul)

by sunflower_8



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: AKA, Fear of love, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, Paranoia, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Relationships, also don't give me pity pls i'm privledged enough, and exposes herself, bad mentality, kkind of, sunflower_8 is insane, vent - Freeform, via fuckin OMASAI
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:48:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22153543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_8/pseuds/sunflower_8
Summary: he wonders if criminals struggle with self worth.he breaks a little more.(or, shuichi loves all at once like a colliding galaxy and obsesses like a criminal, and he can’t cope anymore)
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Shirogane Tsumugi, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, Others mentioned
Comments: 4
Kudos: 46





	own my mind (my body, my soul)

shuichi doesn’t live a waking moment without the anticipation of a relationship developing a dark light, shattering its peace and fragility.

he’s never really lost anyone due to something he’s done. he doesn’t have a reason for the paranoia, but he is paranoid regardless. the black light enters the picture whenever he attempts to grow close to someone; dark thoughts swirl in his mind and the l word plagues everything he sees, hears, touches. it drives him mad, not knowing the nature of the relationships that can stand tall on one end and falter on the other. he fears and he loves until his victims (perpetrators?) leave. 

he tries to hide the effects it has on him, but his best friend, kaede, sees through his late-night breakdowns and careful language with ease. he has a sliver of hope talking to her, but she doesn’t fall in love as easily (especially not while dating tsumugi) and she rarely obsesses over people. she expresses that she does fangirl or engross herself into works of fiction and celebrities, but never the person she sees walking down the street, or the guy she just met on snapchat.

god. shuichi meets this guy his age on the social media app— the only one he has— and regrets it immediately. he doesn’t even have a streak with kokichi ouma, but he wakes up every day thinking about him. he wonders if he likes tomatoes while grocery shopping. he invests time into googling him because he’s curious (and creepy, disgusting, failure of a detective). he’s upset when he doesn’t get a text, or when kokichi snaps someone else. 

he feels like a failure. 

kokichi expresses interest in knowing him, and he wonders why anybody would ever talk to him (love him care for him) when he’s so blatantly obsessive. 

so kaede doesn’t understand. of course she doesn’t.

he tries his hand at tsumugi, who relates to him on falling in love easily, but can’t reciprocate in other terms. she’s fairly jealous too, but she got better. shuichi doesn’t get better, and he hardly realizes how bad it is until maki talks to him later and tells him  _ shuichi, it’s a serious problem _ , and he knew then but he knows now. he’s doing something wrong, and he knows it, and self deprecation gets him nowhere yet he wonders if it’s okay for horrible, criminal people to be aware of their flaws.

(self deprecation gets him nowhere, but he wishes he could stop forgetting how deeply he loathes himself)

kokichi, when asked, jokes about shuichi killing him and kidnapping him,  _ the other way around, of course.  _ shuichi laughs over texts and breaks out loud, stumbling out  _ i need to go, sorry _ and rushing to the bathroom so he doesn’t throw up on the floor. he cries instead of dry heaving, and he has nothing to blame on hangovers now. not that he drinks, because he wishes he could say his nature was a cause of fucked up childhood or cheating exes or alcohol but he’s just wretched, instead. he wonders how anybody could love him. he wonders if criminals struggle with self worth. 

he breaks a little more.

falling in love with kokichi is a question chased by pseudo-trauma and paranoia. it takes no time at all to convince himself that once he falls in love with him,  _ that’s it, i’m trash, i’m scum.  _ he wishes he could discern if he did have a crush on him because the middle state of purgatory feels less merciful than hell. he can never guarantee what tomorrow brings, and he prays to god he doesn’t fall in love again.

(falling for kaede was brief and pleasant, having a crush on kaito was more debilitating. he got a maybe crush on korekiyo and gonta, separately, and questioned why he valued his bond with maki more than others. all around, it’s a war he wants to escape. he wishes, for once in his goddamn life, that he could stop caring)

he doesn’t speak to kokichi for a couple of days. the other doesn’t attempt contact. kaede says it’s how life goes, but shuichi ends up reaching out twice for brief communication just so he has the assurance he isn’t hated. he has nothing to do with that assurance, though, except throw it into the fire where his beliefs and unwanted compliments go. he wishes to throw himself in as well. 

he talks to kokichi more regularly again. he goes to church (new for him) and contemplates confessing, but doesn’t in the end. he’s barely religious, but desperately needs a way to feel less hell-bound. 

so, he does charity. he talks to his friends. he takes walks and burns himself out with work and ignores his phone, hoping that somewhere along the way he can abandon his self-hatred and addictions, but he  _ doesn’t _ . he just grows wearier and more drawn to the idea of being a bad person. it gets harder to sleep at night. he wonders when delusions become reality.

(nothing feels real, and he wishes someone understood. he knows people do, but they don’t. he feels fake.)

and someday, he snaps. it’s late at night but he sends a message asking if kokichi thinks he’s  _ crazy _ . he replies immediately despite the ungodly hour and sends question marks, but shuichi doesn’t have the strength to elaborate. he just blocks kokichi and throws his phone into a filled bathtub wondering if anybody else takes baths at two am. his landlord doesn’t like it very much, even if she won’t admit it. 

kaede: shuichi, why the hell did you block kokichi? 

kaede: shuichi?

shuichi: i don’t know

kaede texts kokichi an apology. shuichi unblocks him a day later. he’s pretty sure kaede is more pissed at him than kokichi is, but nobody is angrier than shuichi. 

when he goes back to work that monday, he makes eye contact with people who look like kokichi. he talks to kaito and wonders if he’s over it. he feels maki’s leg touch him when they spend their lunch break at the cafe, and he feels disgusting. tsumugi asks if he would ever hurt anyone and he thinks  _ nobody but myself  _ but settles on  _ never _ and drops the line because he wishes he could stop feeling like a serial killer. 

shuichi: kokichi, what’s the farthest you’d go for a person?

kokichi: a blowjob?

shuichi: seriously

kokichi: ig heroic injuries idk if i vibe w/ death

shuichi: k. thanks

kokichi: welc 

_ i would let you own my mind, my body, my soul… _

… 

on wednesday, january 30th, kokichi and shuichi stop talking.

(on thursday, january 31st, shuichi meets somebody else)

**Author's Note:**

> deleting the previous pity party of an ending note to just write objective stuf. 
> 
> disclaimer that i’m not actually a stalker and not currently stalking anybody on this platform. so don’t worry. sunflower_8 is a bad person but not /actually/ a criminal.
> 
> there was definitely a missed chance to use tsumugi here, but i feel like that would make my problems amplify. 
> 
> have a good day. remember you are not a catalyst, and your budding, healthy friendships are not meant to end. so don’t end them.


End file.
